I like to think of myself as a kind, empathic and loving person. I’ve previously spent two summers working at a special needs camp (Camp Jened, Rock Hill, NY, USA), I’ve volunteered at homeless shelters and I’ve given out Free Hugs in various cities across North America and Europe.
In reality, I’m a complete asshole. I’m just very effective at what I do. Here are seven habits to becoming a better asshole.
1. Don’t Be A Dick, Be An Asshole
There’s a fine line between being a dick and being an asshole. A dick is an asshole to everyone. An asshole is more selective. Be selective.
2. Don’t Ask People How Their Day Was
This may sound counter-intuitive, but I’ve found especially on ships asking this question sets you up for a whole diatribe of misery and awkwardness. So instead, I ask more innoculous questions like “if you were a cube, what kind of cube would you be?”
3. Delete People
If someone pisses me off, I simply delete them from my mind (and Facebook). They are now dead to me. Problem solved! I love technology.
4. Do Not Accept Friendship As A Consolation Prize
I will never understand why a woman would say “let’s be friends” after rejecting a guy. Who in their right mind would want to be friends with someone who is a constant reminder of their inadequate mating-potential to the opposite sex? Besides, when will women realize that men have much higher standards for friendship than for women they would sleep with? If this happens to you, practise Habit 3.
5. Don’t Ever Buy Drinks For Hot Women
You should never spend money on attractive women. They are lucky enough to be born with good looks, why do they need to get a cash prize for it? If anything they should be paying for you (now that’s a consolation prize). Or if you must, pay for the ugliest girl in the group. God knows, she’ll probably need a drink. (Note, this advice does not apply to friends or partners, because then you’re being a dick.)
6. Be Honest
If someone comes up to you and says that they think they have put on weight recently, agree with them. They will hopefully not ask you stupid questions again. Where did they think all that pizza would go? Just because it’s all you can eat on the ship doesn’t mean you should eat all you can.
7. Leverage People’s Misery
It seems like many people who work on ships are miserable for one reason or another. You’d think that we were serving a tour in Iraq, not sailing in the Caribbean. Anyway, I’ve learnt that rather than fruitlessly trying to show them the bright side of life, it is far more effective to agree with them (see Habit 6) and be grateful that by comparison your life is awesome. Because whether you think life sucks or life’s awesome, you are correct. (Or you could just exercise Habit 3.)
[cruisesurfer’s log sea-date: 87:8:2 | 4:48]